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# Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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## Description

In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship. He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about: • The early warning signs of abuse • The nature of abusive thinking • Myths about abusers • Ten abusive personality types • The role of drugs and alcohol • What you can fix, and what you can’t • And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely “This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.”—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health

Review: If the word abuse affects your life in any way - READ THIS BOOK! - Even though I grew up in a violently abusive home in which physical, emotional, and psychological abuse dominated every day, and I thought I knew a good bit about the subject from both personal experience and prior studies, I was profoundly surprised that I learned so much from Bancroft's book. Although not a Christian, the author's non-spiritual perspective nonetheless had clearer vision than many Christians, supposedly with eyes wide open. The author's professional career and lifetime of familiarity with abusers and their victims gives him a rare authority and insight. My theory is that Bancroft's shrewd, laser-like focus might not have been quite as sharp had he been trying to write a book that also captured spiritual realities. The author offers in spades a between-the-eyes, perspicuous, and relentless expose from cover to cover -- every word of which was welcome music for my ears as someone who has wrestled for a lifetime with analyzing, challenging, and overcoming his experiences with abuse. Throughout the reading, in addition to filling in personal gaps, I was able to use the book to help sort out details of the present tense abuse of someone I know well. The two are in process of divorcing and she has turned to me for counsel and understanding of situations that are intensely confusing and painful for her. The book could not have been more timely, and I found detail after detail that perfectly captured the many nuances of the sour relationship and enabled me to present a more accurate, comprehensive, and holistic counseling presence to her. Such is the enormous potential of the book for both Christians and non-Christians. It is one thing to view abusers through victim's eyes; it is quite another to view things through an abuser's eyes. Bancroft literally has seen and heard it all -- or more accurately, seen and heard through it all. Only someone who has been in the trenches with the worst of the worst for the long haul, and who has spent serious time with every type and level of abuser, could write with such explicit alacrity and utter lack of ambiguity. His perceptions have an X-ray quality, and his penetrating apprehension of the abuser's state of mind is irrefutable. One can imagine his clients suffering system shock as he deftly dismantles excuse after excuse, efficiently returning each and every attempt at blame-mongering to its rightful owner (them), and stopping in their tracks the most devious, manipulative attempts to excuse, justify, and minimize patterns and incidents of abuse. At first, I objected to the profanity in the testimonies, including the "f" word, until I thought through the matter further and realized that the worst in the book was by far the lightest I have experienced. From both the abuser's and victim's perspectives, a sanitized book might not have nearly the impact of this one. I thought at first that the author's exclusive focus on male abusers might be lopsided, but in several places he clearly included and acknowledged the more rare female abusers and male victims. Other than this and another minor criticism (not relevant here), I already have been recommending the book to others, including my friend above. In fact, I believe it should be required reading for all those in positions of influence, especially pastors and counselors. This is a highly practical, truth-packed, utterly reliable manual for understanding and helping both abusers and their victims come to terms with the ugly realities of domestic violence. The book offers distilled, spot-on advice at every turn, helping victims find their way out of the tangled web of the abuser's control, and helping abusers face the whole truth about their deep-seated entitlements in relationships and their heavily distorted views of the role and purpose of having a spouse. The author has wonderful, Robin Hood accurate sarcasm that absolutely nails the abusers often incredibly self-absorbed myopia. Nothing is funny, however, with abusers' often-deadly desire to completely control every aspect of another human being. Fully aware of the potential for escalating violence for many victims just to talk about the situation at home, Bancroft never blinks as he urgently confronts, exposes, teaches, and warns about this insidious evil. Not only is he able to see through every layer of abusers' cons, but he comprehensively and systematically unmasks their every move and motive. I found myself cheering the author on with each new page and chapter, so thankful that people exist with this rare insight and wisdom. At the same time, I experienced a wave of nausea, knowing how many countless abusers will never seek or be forced into treatment -- and what that will mean for their countless victims, many of whom are so thoroughly conned and wound into the abuser's web of control, that they likely will suffer interminably on a daily basis, possibly for the rest of their lives. This is a must read for anyone in any way involved in the life of even a single victim or abuser. The final chapters especially spoke to me. The following says it all: "Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can't eradicate it by lopping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man's attitudes and beliefs regarding partner relationships" (366). Another statement brings back my own childhood: "Partner abuse is a cyclone that leaves a swath of destruction behind it as it rips through the lives of women and children" (367). Bancroft sums his own work with a directive to abusers, for which I add a hearty amen to each volume-speaking point, which should be broadcast from rooftops: "Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve" (376).
Review: Best book out there on emotional abuse - not just violence, not just domestic abuse - Words like "domestic violence" sprinkled all over this desertcart page (editorial review, keywords) might make you think this book is only written for victims of physical violence. You might think "maybe this book is not for me, he is not THAT bad." No. This book is primarily about recognizing patterns of emotional abuse and how to respond to them. If you think you are being emotionally abused - by your spouse, by your supervisor or boss, by anyone who has power over you - consider reading this book. This book is NOT just about physical abuse. Quite the opposite, the author says it focuses on emotional abuse. After Bancroft describes the ten types of abusers, he does single out two (the drill sergeant and the terrorist) as especially likely to become dangerous: "I have focused on the emotionally abusive styles of these different kinds of abusers, any of them may also use physical violence, including sexual assault. Although the Terrorist and Drill Sergeant are especially likely to become dangerous, they are not the only ones who may do so." However emotional abuse can still be severely damaging, whether or not he is also physically abusive. The key to whether this book is for you is not whether he is physically violent, the key is: does he fit these characteristics of an angry and controlling abuser? If he (or she) does, read this book. #1 He is controlling #2 He feels entitled #3 He twists things into their opposites (makes it sound you like you are abusing him) #4 He disprespects his partner and considers himself superior to her #5 He confuses love and abuse ("I was sick of watching her ruining her life. I care too much about her to sit back and do nothing about it") #6 He is manipulative #7 He strives to have a good public image #8 He feels justified ("she pushed me too far, she knows how to push my buttons, there's only so much a man can take") #9 Abusers deny and minimize their abuse #10 Abusers are possessive ("why is he so insanely jealous?") This book can be very helpful in a lot of situations that are not domestic abuse too. Due to a change in management I ended up with a controlling and manipulative boss. I read a couple other books on manipulative persons and verbal abuse, however in some ways this book - supposedly focused only on domestic abuse of women - went much deeper and did a far better of describing my boss's behavior and thinking than the more "general" books on verbal abuse and manipulation. I only discovered this book because I saw it on the bookshelf of someone who volunteered at a domestic abuse shelter. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense was also practical and useful, however it was Bancroft's book that convinced me there was no changing this guy and no middle ground, that the longer anyone stayed around the more he would savagely sabotage people's reputations to keep them from finding jobs elsewhere and escaping him. This book helped me understand his tactics and defend myself (and my career) while I looked for another job and made my plan to leave. As a single person, this book could be very helpful to read BEFORE you end up in a potentially abusive situation. Bancroft has a whole chapter on how abuse begins. Far too often single women assume that the man who acts most jealous and pays them the most attention is also the one who loves them most strongly and cares for them most. Bancroft sounds a vital warning here that real love has to include respect. A person who genuinely loves you wants what is best for you and supports your self-esteem and independence. Hey, no one pays more attention to you, has stronger feelings for you, and is more jealous of you than an angry and controlling abuser. But a strong desire to possess and control you like an object isn't love. Bancroft gives many of the early warning signs to look for: the abuser has double standards, he speaks disrespectfully about his former partners, he is disrespectful toward you, he puts on such a show of generousity that he makes you feel uncomfortable and does favors you don't want (so you will feel you owe him), he is controlling and possessive, nothing is ever his fault, he intimidates you when he's angry, he treats you differently (better) around other people, he appears to be attracted to vulnerability. He writes that the central and key personality trait of an angry and controlling abuser is a sense of entitlement. An abuser is neither a monster or a victim - the core problem with any type of abuser is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong (p. 35). "Abuse grows from atittudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control." I believe the author is right when he says most physically abusive partners are men. However there are plenty of emotionally-abusive women out there too. After reading this book I was able to almost instantly recognize the key patterns of angry and abusive partners in a bizarre woman who took an instant strong interest on me, a woman who went on to behave like a stalker in her attempts to follow me around to get me to ask for her number and ask her out, and try to drive away "competition." The key to stopping her was to recognize her tactics AND be able to calmly and clearly describe them to others so they could clearly see what she was really doing. When I did this, she just as suddenly dropped out of sight, even resigning an officer's position in one of the many groups she joined in her attempts to follow me around. There is not just one type of abuser. Based on his seventeen years working with abusers and victims, Bancroft lists ten types of abusive men and while some of them are very obviously abusers, other types can be very insidious and subtle: 1. The Demand Man - It's your job to do things for me. If I'm unhappy it's your fault. 2. Mr. Right - I know better than you do, when you disagree with me that is mistreatment of me. 3. The Water Torturer - I know how to get under your skin, you are crazy and fly off the handle, as long as I'm calm nothing I do is abuse no matter how cruel 4. The Drill Sergeant - I need to control your every move or you'll do it wrong, he criticizes your every move, you shouldn't have anyone else in your life but me, I will watch you like a hawk to keep your from developing strength or independence, I love you but you disgust me (!!) 5. Mr. Sensitive - I'm against "macho men" so I couldn't be abusive, I control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, I can get inside your head, I use psychobabble such that no one will believe I am abusing you, you should be grateful I'm not like those "macho men." 6. The Player - if you could meet my sexual needs I wouldn't have to turn to other women, women were put on this earth to have sex with men, women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are b****es 7. Rambo - strength and aggressiveness are good, femininity is inferior, women are here to serve men and be protected by them, you belong to me like a trophy. 8. The Victim - everybody has done me wrong, I've had it so hard I'm not responsible for my actions, it's justifiable for me to do whatever I feel you are doing to me and even worse to make sure you get the message, women who claim they are mistreated are anti-male 9. The Terrorist - I would rather die than accept your right to independence, women are evil and have to be terrified to keep that evil in check, seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying, you have no right to defy me or leave me 10. The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser - I'm not abusive - I'm just (alcoholic/drug-addicted/manic depressive, etc.), I am not responsible for my actions because of psychological or abuse problems, if you challenge me about abusiveness you are being mean to me and don't understand my problems, when you challenge me it triggers my illness and you are responsible for what I do Still not sure if this book is for you? Bancroft answers questions like "when is it abuse?" Is there a distinct line that I can keep my eye on so I know when he has crossed it? Since nobody's perfect, how do I know the difference between a bad day when he's just being a jerk and a pattern that adds up to something more certain. Remember, this book is not just for victims of domestic violence. If you think you might be emotionally abused, read this book.

## Technical Specifications

| Specification | Value |
|---------------|-------|
| Best Sellers Rank | #2,233 in Books ( See Top 100 in Books ) #1 in Domestic Partner Abuse (Books) #2 in Abuse Self-Help #5 in Codependency (Books) |
| Customer Reviews | 4.7 out of 5 stars 8,686 Reviews |

## Images

![Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Image 1](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71-OPNdR1FL.jpg)

## Customer Reviews

### ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ If the word abuse affects your life in any way - READ THIS BOOK!
*by K***N on August 18, 2011*

Even though I grew up in a violently abusive home in which physical, emotional, and psychological abuse dominated every day, and I thought I knew a good bit about the subject from both personal experience and prior studies, I was profoundly surprised that I learned so much from Bancroft's book. Although not a Christian, the author's non-spiritual perspective nonetheless had clearer vision than many Christians, supposedly with eyes wide open. The author's professional career and lifetime of familiarity with abusers and their victims gives him a rare authority and insight. My theory is that Bancroft's shrewd, laser-like focus might not have been quite as sharp had he been trying to write a book that also captured spiritual realities. The author offers in spades a between-the-eyes, perspicuous, and relentless expose from cover to cover -- every word of which was welcome music for my ears as someone who has wrestled for a lifetime with analyzing, challenging, and overcoming his experiences with abuse. Throughout the reading, in addition to filling in personal gaps, I was able to use the book to help sort out details of the present tense abuse of someone I know well. The two are in process of divorcing and she has turned to me for counsel and understanding of situations that are intensely confusing and painful for her. The book could not have been more timely, and I found detail after detail that perfectly captured the many nuances of the sour relationship and enabled me to present a more accurate, comprehensive, and holistic counseling presence to her. Such is the enormous potential of the book for both Christians and non-Christians. It is one thing to view abusers through victim's eyes; it is quite another to view things through an abuser's eyes. Bancroft literally has seen and heard it all -- or more accurately, seen and heard through it all. Only someone who has been in the trenches with the worst of the worst for the long haul, and who has spent serious time with every type and level of abuser, could write with such explicit alacrity and utter lack of ambiguity. His perceptions have an X-ray quality, and his penetrating apprehension of the abuser's state of mind is irrefutable. One can imagine his clients suffering system shock as he deftly dismantles excuse after excuse, efficiently returning each and every attempt at blame-mongering to its rightful owner (them), and stopping in their tracks the most devious, manipulative attempts to excuse, justify, and minimize patterns and incidents of abuse. At first, I objected to the profanity in the testimonies, including the "f" word, until I thought through the matter further and realized that the worst in the book was by far the lightest I have experienced. From both the abuser's and victim's perspectives, a sanitized book might not have nearly the impact of this one. I thought at first that the author's exclusive focus on male abusers might be lopsided, but in several places he clearly included and acknowledged the more rare female abusers and male victims. Other than this and another minor criticism (not relevant here), I already have been recommending the book to others, including my friend above. In fact, I believe it should be required reading for all those in positions of influence, especially pastors and counselors. This is a highly practical, truth-packed, utterly reliable manual for understanding and helping both abusers and their victims come to terms with the ugly realities of domestic violence. The book offers distilled, spot-on advice at every turn, helping victims find their way out of the tangled web of the abuser's control, and helping abusers face the whole truth about their deep-seated entitlements in relationships and their heavily distorted views of the role and purpose of having a spouse. The author has wonderful, Robin Hood accurate sarcasm that absolutely nails the abusers often incredibly self-absorbed myopia. Nothing is funny, however, with abusers' often-deadly desire to completely control every aspect of another human being. Fully aware of the potential for escalating violence for many victims just to talk about the situation at home, Bancroft never blinks as he urgently confronts, exposes, teaches, and warns about this insidious evil. Not only is he able to see through every layer of abusers' cons, but he comprehensively and systematically unmasks their every move and motive. I found myself cheering the author on with each new page and chapter, so thankful that people exist with this rare insight and wisdom. At the same time, I experienced a wave of nausea, knowing how many countless abusers will never seek or be forced into treatment -- and what that will mean for their countless victims, many of whom are so thoroughly conned and wound into the abuser's web of control, that they likely will suffer interminably on a daily basis, possibly for the rest of their lives. This is a must read for anyone in any way involved in the life of even a single victim or abuser. The final chapters especially spoke to me. The following says it all: "Abusiveness is like poison ivy, with its extensive and entrenched root system. You can't eradicate it by lopping off the superficial signs. It has to come out by the roots, which are the man's attitudes and beliefs regarding partner relationships" (366). Another statement brings back my own childhood: "Partner abuse is a cyclone that leaves a swath of destruction behind it as it rips through the lives of women and children" (367). Bancroft sums his own work with a directive to abusers, for which I add a hearty amen to each volume-speaking point, which should be broadcast from rooftops: "Abuse is wrong; you are responsible for your own actions; no excuse is acceptable; the damage you are doing is incalculable; your problem is yours alone to solve" (376).

### ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Best book out there on emotional abuse - not just violence, not just domestic abuse
*by A***R on October 3, 2009*

Words like "domestic violence" sprinkled all over this Amazon page (editorial review, keywords) might make you think this book is only written for victims of physical violence. You might think "maybe this book is not for me, he is not THAT bad." No. This book is primarily about recognizing patterns of emotional abuse and how to respond to them. If you think you are being emotionally abused - by your spouse, by your supervisor or boss, by anyone who has power over you - consider reading this book. This book is NOT just about physical abuse. Quite the opposite, the author says it focuses on emotional abuse. After Bancroft describes the ten types of abusers, he does single out two (the drill sergeant and the terrorist) as especially likely to become dangerous: "I have focused on the emotionally abusive styles of these different kinds of abusers, any of them may also use physical violence, including sexual assault. Although the Terrorist and Drill Sergeant are especially likely to become dangerous, they are not the only ones who may do so." However emotional abuse can still be severely damaging, whether or not he is also physically abusive. The key to whether this book is for you is not whether he is physically violent, the key is: does he fit these characteristics of an angry and controlling abuser? If he (or she) does, read this book. #1 He is controlling #2 He feels entitled #3 He twists things into their opposites (makes it sound you like you are abusing him) #4 He disprespects his partner and considers himself superior to her #5 He confuses love and abuse ("I was sick of watching her ruining her life. I care too much about her to sit back and do nothing about it") #6 He is manipulative #7 He strives to have a good public image #8 He feels justified ("she pushed me too far, she knows how to push my buttons, there's only so much a man can take") #9 Abusers deny and minimize their abuse #10 Abusers are possessive ("why is he so insanely jealous?") This book can be very helpful in a lot of situations that are not domestic abuse too. Due to a change in management I ended up with a controlling and manipulative boss. I read a couple other books on manipulative persons and verbal abuse, however in some ways this book - supposedly focused only on domestic abuse of women - went much deeper and did a far better of describing my boss's behavior and thinking than the more "general" books on verbal abuse and manipulation. I only discovered this book because I saw it on the bookshelf of someone who volunteered at a domestic abuse shelter. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense was also practical and useful, however it was Bancroft's book that convinced me there was no changing this guy and no middle ground, that the longer anyone stayed around the more he would savagely sabotage people's reputations to keep them from finding jobs elsewhere and escaping him. This book helped me understand his tactics and defend myself (and my career) while I looked for another job and made my plan to leave. As a single person, this book could be very helpful to read BEFORE you end up in a potentially abusive situation. Bancroft has a whole chapter on how abuse begins. Far too often single women assume that the man who acts most jealous and pays them the most attention is also the one who loves them most strongly and cares for them most. Bancroft sounds a vital warning here that real love has to include respect. A person who genuinely loves you wants what is best for you and supports your self-esteem and independence. Hey, no one pays more attention to you, has stronger feelings for you, and is more jealous of you than an angry and controlling abuser. But a strong desire to possess and control you like an object isn't love. Bancroft gives many of the early warning signs to look for: the abuser has double standards, he speaks disrespectfully about his former partners, he is disrespectful toward you, he puts on such a show of generousity that he makes you feel uncomfortable and does favors you don't want (so you will feel you owe him), he is controlling and possessive, nothing is ever his fault, he intimidates you when he's angry, he treats you differently (better) around other people, he appears to be attracted to vulnerability. He writes that the central and key personality trait of an angry and controlling abuser is a sense of entitlement. An abuser is neither a monster or a victim - the core problem with any type of abuser is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong (p. 35). "Abuse grows from atittudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control." I believe the author is right when he says most physically abusive partners are men. However there are plenty of emotionally-abusive women out there too. After reading this book I was able to almost instantly recognize the key patterns of angry and abusive partners in a bizarre woman who took an instant strong interest on me, a woman who went on to behave like a stalker in her attempts to follow me around to get me to ask for her number and ask her out, and try to drive away "competition." The key to stopping her was to recognize her tactics AND be able to calmly and clearly describe them to others so they could clearly see what she was really doing. When I did this, she just as suddenly dropped out of sight, even resigning an officer's position in one of the many groups she joined in her attempts to follow me around. There is not just one type of abuser. Based on his seventeen years working with abusers and victims, Bancroft lists ten types of abusive men and while some of them are very obviously abusers, other types can be very insidious and subtle: 1. The Demand Man - It's your job to do things for me. If I'm unhappy it's your fault. 2. Mr. Right - I know better than you do, when you disagree with me that is mistreatment of me. 3. The Water Torturer - I know how to get under your skin, you are crazy and fly off the handle, as long as I'm calm nothing I do is abuse no matter how cruel 4. The Drill Sergeant - I need to control your every move or you'll do it wrong, he criticizes your every move, you shouldn't have anyone else in your life but me, I will watch you like a hawk to keep your from developing strength or independence, I love you but you disgust me (!!) 5. Mr. Sensitive - I'm against "macho men" so I couldn't be abusive, I control you by analyzing how your mind and emotions work, I can get inside your head, I use psychobabble such that no one will believe I am abusing you, you should be grateful I'm not like those "macho men." 6. The Player - if you could meet my sexual needs I wouldn't have to turn to other women, women were put on this earth to have sex with men, women who want the nonsexual aspects of themselves appreciated are b****es 7. Rambo - strength and aggressiveness are good, femininity is inferior, women are here to serve men and be protected by them, you belong to me like a trophy. 8. The Victim - everybody has done me wrong, I've had it so hard I'm not responsible for my actions, it's justifiable for me to do whatever I feel you are doing to me and even worse to make sure you get the message, women who claim they are mistreated are anti-male 9. The Terrorist - I would rather die than accept your right to independence, women are evil and have to be terrified to keep that evil in check, seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying, you have no right to defy me or leave me 10. The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser - I'm not abusive - I'm just (alcoholic/drug-addicted/manic depressive, etc.), I am not responsible for my actions because of psychological or abuse problems, if you challenge me about abusiveness you are being mean to me and don't understand my problems, when you challenge me it triggers my illness and you are responsible for what I do Still not sure if this book is for you? Bancroft answers questions like "when is it abuse?" Is there a distinct line that I can keep my eye on so I know when he has crossed it? Since nobody's perfect, how do I know the difference between a bad day when he's just being a jerk and a pattern that adds up to something more certain. Remember, this book is not just for victims of domestic violence. If you think you might be emotionally abused, read this book.

### ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ A real eye opener to a very real but often hidden problem!!!
*by P***T on February 7, 2012*

I highly recommend this book to women and to anyone who works with women. I especially recommend this book to the counselors and workshop leaders of "anger management" classes for men especially those court ordered. I read it straight through in three days and couldn't put it down. When done, my mouth hung open in total shock and amazement. It explained in detail so much of what I instinctively felt was going with my husband during our marriage, but just couldn't prove or get others to see. Actually, I never even knew or realized what I was dealing with until reading this book. I desperately wanted to make our marriage work and believed prayer and my "convincing" him of the error of his ways, would make a difference. My husband had even made it my responsibility to bring it to his attention when his behavior was becoming out of control, and stupid me, I took that as a sign that he really wanted me to help him to change his behavior. This book made me aware that I never should have taken on that role. He made it my job instead of his own, and I soon looked like the "problem" to his friends and family because I "nagged" him and refused to accept the behaviors that they couldn't even see. Number one, they weren't supposed to, as you will read and come to understand more clearly. Number two, it was easy for them to see me as a "B" because over the years I became so frustrated by my failure to get him to see the error of his abusive ways, along with his devaluing behaviors that I became comfused, angry, and resentful. My years of pent up anger came out in subtle snide remarks or arguing that only served to make me look worse in the eyes of those who didn't understand the many years of "crazymaking behaviors" I had endured. Thank you so much Mr Bancroft for putting such a fitting name to such complex and unbelievable behaviors. If it were not for this book opening my eyes, clarifying that I indeed (along with my children and grandchildren) were victims of an abusers assaults and twisted mind, along with helping me to understand why others just couldn't see what I was talking about on the occasions when I did speak up, I would never had started the long hard road to healing for myself and my family. It is still very much a traumatic and confusing experience because of the fact that my husband (now ex) also has many enduring qualities and those are the only ones seen by the rest of the world. I often remember the good in him as do my children. That in itself, just serves to make our situations of why we hang onto the fantasy that they can and will change, so much more difficult to understand, much less others. Not the case for Mr. Bancroft. He knows and has put into words why this is, and just how easily we women can be "groomed" to accept abusive behaviors of men as normal. He also points out that most will never change. They just move on to the next unsuspecting woman who will believe their lies of being a “victim” and of how poorly the other woman treated "him"! The older these men get, the more skilled they become at deception and the more education needs to be done for public awareness to hold these men accountable. Even these men need to be taught the devastations of their behavior and how to recognize it in themselves. They definitely won't change if they don’t see the need to. Mr Bancroft uses his extensive work and knowledge to bring out into the open the "secret world" that many women are living in, have lived in and survived, or possibly haven't been fortunate enough to have survived. The characteristics of abusive men and the red flags to look for prior to becoming involved with them are of utmost importance, as there are common characteristics. I am certain, his knowledge and insight provides some sense of relief to women who just can't believe this could have ever happened to them. None of us are exempt, but we can arm ourselves by educating ourselves and loved ones, along with anyone else who might be able to make a positive difference in the lives of other women and children. I have bought 20 of these books to date and if I ever won the lottery, I would make sure every office of every social worker, counselor, police officer, attorney, judge, local and state congressman, nurse, doctor, etc., had their copy along with mandatory continuing education from Mr. Bancroft himself. From my own experience and opinion, he truly has an eye opening look into the minds of angry, controlling and abusive men and I just can't recommend this book or any works from this author highly enough. Patricia

## Frequently Bought Together

- Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
- The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond

---

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*Product available on Desertcart India*
*Store origin: IN*
*Last updated: 2026-06-03*